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  image of woman with financial papersThe loss of a spouse through death or divorce is a watershed experience fraught with heart-wrenching adjustments. If you find yourself in this position right now, the most important guideline to follow is: Do not make any important, long-term legal or financial decisions. There are some papers you may need to locate quickly, and you will need to meet with your advisor on immediate issues. But postpone any long-term major decisions until after you have had a chance to take care of your pressing needs and recover your mental clarity.
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First, take care of yourself and your loved ones. It is only natural to experience emotional upheaval when going through such a life passage. It’s important to give yourself time to grieve and feel your loss, and to adjust to your new circumstances. After you have processed the emotional experience and made some peace with your new situation, then make plans for your new future.
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Take care of yourself and your loved ones
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At this time of transition, give yourself special consideration. Here are some ways you can do that:
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1. Avoid making any long-term decisions. Legal and financial, especially. If you are in an emotional state, it is best to delay important long-term decisions until your thinking is less cloudy.
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2. Stay in charge of your own life. Do not turn over decision-making responsibility to anyone, no matter how overwhelmed you may feel and no matter how caring the person volunteering to manage your affairs may appear.
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3. Drive with care. When you are grieving, it’s easy to become distracted. Use extra care when you get behind the wheel.
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4. Seek grief counseling for yourself and for your children (if you are a parent). Remember, your children are grieving too. They need support. If you are resentful or angry, have separate grief sessions, without your children.
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5. Honor rituals. Children experiencing death of a parent or divorce are likely to feel abandoned and insecure initially. Maintaining established patterns of holidays, birthdays, Saturday outings, sporting events, and other family rituals will comfort them, giving them a sense of normalcy and consistency.
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6. Follow a routine. It may not be possible to have the same daily routine as before the death or divorce, but during this time, establishing a routine and sticking with it will help you and your family adjust to the situation.
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7. Nurture yourself. Take care of your spiritual, emotional and physical needs. Nobody will do this for you. Eat healthy meals, exercise and take vitamins. Allow yourself to grieve, and don’t rush the process. Give yourself as much time as you need to adjust to your new circumstances.
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Expect emotional upheaval
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In her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five discrete stages of grief. Knowing that you are likely to experience these feelings during a time of loss, and realizing that they are normal, can be extremely helpful.
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• Denial: "I’m just fine," "Nope, not me." "This can’t be real."
People experiencing this stage are full of disbelief and denial. If your spouse has died, you still expect her to walk through the door. If your partner has asked for a divorce, you think he’s not really serious.
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• Anger: "It’s not fair!" "Why me?" "How can you accept this?"
Anger at the situation, your partner or others is common. You are upset with your spouse for causing you pain. You might even feel anger at your deceased partner for dying. You might be livid that a divorce your spouse requested is breaking the family apart.
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• Bargaining: "I’ll be a better person, if you’ll bring him back." "I promise I’ll work harder if you let me stay."
At this stage, you try to negotiate to change the situation. If your partner died, you might bargain with God. If your partner has asked for a divorce, you might promise to change if your partner will reconsider.
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• Depression: "Why bother?" "What’s the use?" "I’m toast."
You realize the situation won’t change. The break-up or death happened, and you can’t bring the other person back. This could be a quiet, withdrawn time for the person left behind, as the reality of the situation soaks in.
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• Acceptance: "I’ll pull through." "I can’t fight it, so I may as well prepare." "It’s over and done."
While you haven’t forgotten what occurred, at this stage you are ready to start moving on.
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Kubler-Ross observed that people tend to go through these stages during a number of catastrophic experiences, including death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job, loss of freedom, even drug addiction. And she pointed out that not everyone goes through the stages in the same order, some people don’t appear to go through all the stages, and some people revisit stages when something triggers memories of the painful experience.
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Plan for your new future
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Even when there is no death or divorce in your family, circumstances are always changing, and financial plans need to be updated. When you find yourself single, it is up to you to take care of this planning.
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After you have dealt with your short-term needs and have gained a new sense of balance in your life, it’s a good idea to meet with your financial planner to get help in addressing the following questions:
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• Can you afford to live in your current home long-term?
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• Are your investments meeting your new financial needs and goals?
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• If you have children, how much should you contribute to their education funds?
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• What is your vision for retirement? If your IRA was cut in half during a divorce, how will you rebuild it?
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• Is your insurance coverage adequate to meet your current needs? And if you have children, will they receive adequate benefits should something happen to you?
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  Related topics  
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• Papers you may need to locate quickly  
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• Surviving divorce financially  
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• Even if you're not in this situation, it’s still wise to be prepared  
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Brad's book cover: If You Are Suddenly Single
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If You Are
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book cover image: link to Brad's book: If You Are Suddenly Single